Dear Capital One,

At first it was kind of flattering that you wanted to touch base with me so often with costly envelopes. Then it saddened me that you began to send the same costly envelopes to my sons. Then to my wife under a business name of mine that she has nothing to do with.

I recycle, so there’s that, but why are you wasting your money? I do not have a credit card with you, nor do I want one. So please stop.

One more thing – I have seen most of Samuel L. Jackson’s movies. I like Samuel L. Jackson. But I don’t watch his movies any more because I am tired of his voice. That is also your fault. But I’m still tired of it.

And it’s none of your damn business what is in my wallet.

Dan Roark

Peace be with you.