Tag Archive: humor

I have a theory – call it the a-hole relativity theory. The number of a-holes in any given area is relative to the total number of people in that area. Hence, more people, more a-holes. This of course includes many varying degrees of a-holism.

Some of them don’t actually know they have this social disease. They are oblivious of the fact that they are disturbing a very large number of people. Then there are those who are chest-thumping proud of pissing people off. Some are in between – most of the time they are considerate of the people around them. Until something hits their switch and they became flaming lunatics.

What they all have in common is a serious lack of driving skills. They have the inability to see that everyone is passing them on both sides and they are slowing down. And they were not going the speed limit to begin with.

To do what I feel is my duty, I thought I would jot down a few rules to help these poor demented souls survive yet one more day. Some are just common sense – something most of them do not possess.

If you are already in the turn lane while coming to a stop, there is no longer any need to turn on your blinker.

On the other hand, if you are not yet in the turn lane or left lane, please turn the damn thing on.

If you are turning right at the corner, don’t turn the blinker on until you’ve passed the parking lot entrances. People coming out of the parking lot will think you’re turning there and will try to pull out in front of you. Turn on your blinker when you pass the last entrance. You can begin slowing down, however.

Being in the middle lane going forty miles an hour is not the best time to whip out the phone and post a selfie on Facebook and/or Instagram.

If you get a phone call when you are driving in rush hour traffic, let it go to voice mail. You can check it at the next red light or at your destination. If you are lying in the road dead or dying, letting them know you are running late is not going to matter.

Whether you know it or not, the mirrors are on the car for a reason. Use the freaking things!

Please feel free to add others in the comments. The ironic thing is, if the people I refer to read this, it probably won’t occur to them that it’s about them.

Peace be with you.

Dan at Angelas 12-15-'14 I played Monday night at Angela’s at the Crosswalk in downtown Plano. I had a cold for several days previous. But I felt fairly well – although not completely. While my sons, Cameron and J.D., and I were driving to Angela’s, I developed a tickle in my throat. Which is not all that uncommon. Especially if one is playing and singing all the time during the constantly changing weather of a Texas winter.

Which is when I usually get a cold – when the weather changes. Some people think I mean literally every time the weather changes. But that is not what I – or people like me – mean. We mean certain times when the weather changes. In my case, I mean when the weather changes like it has recently – hot then cold, warm then cold, hot then cold. If the temperature had gotten down to freezing or lower, I would have been screwed.

As it was, I thought I was getting off kind of easy this year – while knocking on wood and crossing my fingers. I was drinking plenty of water before my time to play and took my water with me when my time came. Unfortunately the stage area is just inside the front door and the front of the restaurant is all glass. There was a draft with people walking in and out the door.

The crowd was rather loud, so I was singing and playing louder trying to hear myself. The situation made me sweat, as the cold and the tickle were on my mind as well. But, except for the tickle, I felt fine. When we got home, the tickle faded a bit. I didn’t feel too bad when I went to bed.

When I woke up, my nose was stopped up, my mouth was dry and I had a “jaw ache.” I took some head medicine and went to church to take pictures of the troops coming to pick up the toys we had collected for soldiers’ children. If I talked too much, I sounded like a pissed off goose. So naturally, I kept on talking . All three boys still live at home, so not talking is seldom an option.

As the afternoon turned into evening, I began to sound like a pissed off goose trying to imitate Johnny Mathis. I don’t stutter as much as I used to. But I still don’t appreciate jokes about it. Yet that doesn’t mean I cannot see the humor if it is by me at myself. And sounding like a pissed off goose that is imitating Johnny Mathis and stutters – even I have to think that is vaguely humorous.

Which is why I do not try Dragon software with which the computer follows your vocal commands. I cannot imagine what it would look like if I stuttered. I have tried to imagine, but I really don’t want to know. It would pain me to think that all these years of public speaking and mental adjustment was all for anything close to naught. I usually don’t have a problem when I have a guitar in my hand, but carrying a guitar around and whipping it out when I talk would be more than a little awkward. While waiting around in a fast food place, it would really suck.

But I seriously digress. I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did writing it – not as much as I did living it, which was minimal. However, I would like to say that when I played my set, I did really well. Then things went south. So, looking back on it now, I leave you with these words of wisdom.

If we cannot find humor in ourselves, we are not looking hard enough. And try to stay away from drafts.

Peace be with you.

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